sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
