so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
