i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
