Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
