my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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