I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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