sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
