I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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