His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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