My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
