You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
