At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
