I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
