I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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