Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
