ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
