you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
