if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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