Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
