Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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