I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
