it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
