Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
