She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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