I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
