I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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