you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i came on her dog
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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