if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Watching her eat just hurts me
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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