Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
