I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
