I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
