I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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