he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
