Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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