once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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