for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
