dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
