I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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