so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
