Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
