i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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