I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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