she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I need a burrito and a hug.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
