Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
