If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
