Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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