Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bring me that man meat
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
