He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
