My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
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