You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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