I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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