dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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