Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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