hell yes lets make some ravioli
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
