I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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