The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
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Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand