The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
