if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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