why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
