Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
